I'm Not Trying To Die
by waterrain
Summary: Lithuania wonders what is going through Russia's mind, but is unable to truly find out what is wrong with him. Will he ever find out?
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia. Please Review and Thank You. Reviews are my fuel. **

**I'm Not Trying To Die**

**Lithuanian wonders what is going through Russia's mind, but he is unable to truly find out what is wrong with him. Will he ever find out?**

**By Waterrain**

A figure wearing a long tan coat and black boots. The scarf around his neck swishing in the cold breeze, a faint smile on his lips, and a far off look in those violet eyes. A ushanka on top of his head and helped protect him slightly from the cold wind.

"Russia, What are you doing." Lithuanian asked in a worried voice and he bite his lip. Russia didn't look behind at Lithuanian, but he did answer him.

"I have been thinking about this lately." Russia commented calmly as he looked down at the water and wondered if it was colder than the current weather.

"What?" Lithuanian asked and he felt helpless for there was nothing he could do for Russia was on the railings of The Bank Bridge located in St Petersburg.

"About jumping, da." Russia said simply and there was a bottle of Vodka in his hand. He carefully placed it down and then smiled faintly, but Lithuanian didn't see it.

"Russia please get down from there. You will get hurt." Lithuanian told him and his heart was racing.

"Does it truly matter? I'm always getting hurt, da." Russia asked softly and he pulled off his coat. His violet eyes darkened and threw the coat behind him.

"I just want to know what is like to jump off a bridge." Russia commented calmly and that was when he was about to jump off The Bank Bridge, but then pulled back by Lithuanian.

"I can't let you, Russia." Lithuanian stated firmly and he was on top of Russia. A hand was on the back of Russia's head and it was slightly injured, but at the moment it didn't matter.

"Why not. It won't kill me. I'm not trying to die, Lithuanian." Russia told him innocently and his violet eyes turned away for a moment from Lithuanian's. "I'm Russia and too strong to even die."'

"I know, but it would hurt you a lot." Lithuanian said to him and he heard the soft sigh.

"That is the point. I'm curious about how much damage jumping off a bride would cause me, da. I'm not trying to die." Russia commented to him and then his violet eyes went wide for Lithuanian kissed him firmly on the lips.

"Russia. You really do worry me." Lithuanian stated honestly and he noticed Russia's cheeks were flushed. His hands pulled up Russia's shirt and he noticed bruises along with quite a few cuts, but before he was given a good look at them.

"Don't look." Russia suddenly said firmly and he pushed Lithuanian off of him. His cheeks were burning, violet eyes were beginning to water, and he put on his long tan coat with shaking hands. Lithuanian watched as Russia picked up the Vodka bottle and how he gulped it all down.

Russia walked away quickly and silent tears fell down his pale cheeks as he walked away. Lithuanian watched quietly as Russia walked away and he sighed deeply.

"Did you do that to yourself or did someone else?" Lithuanian quietly wondered out loud.

**Please Review and Thank You.**

**An **_**ushanka**_** (Literally "ear hat") is a ****Russian****fur****cap**** with ear flaps that can be tied up to the ****crown**** of the cap, or tied at the chin to protect the ears, jaw and lower chin from the cold.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia. Please Review and Thank You. Reviews are my fuel. **

**I'm Not Trying To Die**

**Lithuanian wonders what is going through Russia's mind, but he is unable to truly find out what is wrong with him. Will he ever find out?**

**By Waterrain**

Russia was standing by the lake Baikal and he was looking down at his reflection. His smile was twisted, violet eyes were filled with tears, and he was feeling many emotions at one time.

"This lake is clear. I can see myself clearly, but I rather do not like it." Russia commented softly and he looked down at his palms which were covered in blood. Today he was not wearing his ushanka or his long tan coat. Russia did not shiver and tears fell down pale cheeks.

"It hurts, da. I wonder why did I come here to lake Baikal?" Russia asked himself and he was still staring at his reflection in the water with depressed eyes. Then he shook his head and decided to wash the blood from his hands. Russia sighed deeply as he dipped his hands into the clear water and begun to move them together to wash off the blood.

"I wonder if this lake would become unclear if there was a certain amount of blood." Russia wondered out loud.

"I wish lake Baikal was less clear or that I couldn't see so clearly." Russia whispered softly and he smiled faintly. "My wishes never do come true when it really does count."

"My wish of sunshine, sunflowers, and happiness has not come true. Despite my fierce and at times silent wishing." Russia muttered quietly as tears fell down and then he shook his head.

"Instead I receive bone chilling cold weather, bloodshed, and death." Russia commented calmly as he took off his black boots and begun to walk into lake Baikal. The scarf was tied firmly to his neck and he was smiling innocently.

"Will the lake become unclear? If I was to walk into it would this lake become different and less clear." Russia whispered softly and he walked faster. The water was up to his hips and he was smiling for his reflection was becoming less clear. Russia walked and walked more into the lake. The water was up to his neck, but yet he went onward and smiling as water started to enter inside of his lips.

"Russia! What are you doing?" Lithuania called out as he rushed towards Russia and his call was ignored by the other.

Violet eyes closed and water was slowly filling up his lungs, but he knew this would not kill him and silently wondered when he will collapse. Russia was not afraid and he just kept on walking not swimming. The sounds were muted, everything was spinning despite his closed eyes, water rushing up his nose, and just like that Russia was unconscious.

The wind picked up and it was howling. Snow started to fall, the air was cold, and it seemed as if something was coming. Lithuania managed to reach him and he used all of his strength to grab Russia. He managed to bring him back to the shore and decided to feel the pulse.

"Faint, but it is still there." Lithuania whispered softly and his hands were on Russia's chest pushing. Within a few minutes Russia was coughing up water, violet eyes were dazed, and his arms had goose bumps.

"Why?" Russia asked in a raw voice and he was shaking. Lithuania was holding Russia and his grip was loose.

"Why did you try to drown yourself?" Lithuania asked in a shaking voice and he managed to control himself.

"You do not understand. I'm Russia and I can't die." Russia muttered softly as he looked at Lithuania with sad eyes and then looked down at his hands that had become wrinkled due to the water.

"What do you mean?" Lithuania asked in a confused voice and he barely noticed Russia slowly, but surely slipping out of his grip.

"He won't let me die. Besides I'm not trying to die. I just want to be able to feel again, da." Russia whispered quietly and he sighed to himself. "I have been feeling rather numb and empty lately."

"Who?" Lithuania asked calmly and wondered why Russia refuses to be clear.

"I must go, da." Russia suddenly said firmly as he heard the wind picking up and his violet eyes darkened. Lithuania frowned at him, he was about to question him, but Russia was gone.

**Please Review and Thank You.**

**Lake Baikal**** is the world's**** oldest and deepest lake; it is the second most ****voluminous**** lake, after the ****Caspian Sea****. As the most voluminous ****freshwater**** lake in the world, with an average depth of 744.4 m (2,442 ft), Lake Baikal contains roughly 20% of the world's surface fresh water.****Located in the south of the ****Russian**** region of ****Siberia**** (between ****Irkutsk Oblast**** to the northwest and the ****Buryat Republic**** to the southeast, near the city of ****Irkutsk****), the body of water is also known as the "Pearl of Siberia".**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia. Please Review and Thank You. Reviews are my Fuel.**

Blood was slowly falling down onto the snow and there was a soft sigh. Violet eyes were closed gently not squeezed shut, a faint smile on those lips, and his body was laying down completely on the top of the snow.

"I still feel nothing even with blood leaving my body." Russia whispered softly to himself and then he sighed for it seems nothing can make him feel alive. No one lives with him for they are free and tears slowly fell.

"I do miss them, da." Russia said in a broken voice, blood was running down his wrists, and tears feeling down to his lips. "Why did they leave me? Was it something I did wrong?"

He felt numb, but not alive and Russia rolled onto his stomach while shaking his head gently.

"Might as well clean off this blood and stop this bleeding." Russia muttered to himself, he thrust both of his wrists into the snow which turned red, and felt nothing not even a sting of pain.

"Ivan?" Lithuania asked calmly as he walked towards Russia and noticed tear streaks not to mention the snow soaked with blood. His eyes widened at the sight, the pace quickened, and Russia did not move.

"What do you want?" Russia asked quietly and he bite down on his lips. "I'm just-"

"Why must you keep on hurting yourself?" Lithuania asked him firmly and he pulled up those wrists while frowning. "You are making it worse by having them in the snow."

",But Lithuania it does not hurt and I'm Russia." Russia commented calmly and acted as if his tears were not seen. He didn't move, but stayed instead of getting up and leaving Lithuania behind.

"Ivan." Lithuania mutters to him and his grip was on Russia's elbows.

"I'm Russia and this Ivan does not exist anymore." Russia stated softly and then he broke free of the grip on his elbows. He stood up, but then shook his head. "You should leave, da."

"Ivan." Lithuania whispered gently and he sighed to himself for Russia is always difficult.

"I'm Russia and I'm strong." Russia told him firmly and his wrists were to his sides.

"Ivan." Lithuania said calmly, he started to walk closer, and closer.

"I can handle anything and I can be by myself. I do not need anyone, I do not need a single someone, and I'm use to being alone. Why are you here?" Russia's voice was weakening and his body trembling.

"Ivan." Lithuania stated firmly, he could tell Russia seemed upset, and didn't know the exact reason as to why.

"Stop saying that name. I'm Russia, da." Russia whispered in a broken voice, silent tears falling, and his body trembling. "I'm Russia, I'm Russia, and I'm not Ivan. Stop saying that name."

",But Iv-" Lithuania stated to say, but then Russia kissed him softly on the lips and he can taste the salty tears that were running down.

"Please do not say that name, Toris. It hurts and I can't stand that name. Why must everyone hurt me and leave me." Russia said in a depressed and broken voice before running from Lithuania. He ran from him, walked inside of his home, and locked the door. Russia slumped down behind the door and he looked down at his wrists.

"The bleeding has stopped, da." Russia whispers to himself and he blinked his eyes. "Why must he say that name over and over again."

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